Jon Simonds 

Masks - Upside/Downside
by Jon Simonds

In the midst of the worst pandemic of the past hundred years, a growing group of American governors have refused to mandate its citizens wear masks. A large group of Americans seemingly agree, arguing it takes away their freedom of choice.

On the Downside:

  • Masks impair those of us wearing glasses. When wearing a mask, I constantly find myself bumping into things, as the breath I exhale fogs the lenses.

  • I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm certainly not Disney's Dumbo, either. The strings on these masks tend to pull on my ears making them look more like airplane wings than ears.

  • I eat out a lot. With the current situation, dining in has been a thing of the past for quite some time, so I've been going the route of drive-through dining. If mask wearing in public were required by law, how in the world would anyone eat? Try sipping soda through a straw.

  • And finally, my hearing isn't what it used to be. I can't understand a muffled word anyone says to me, so I kind of understand why people are so against wearing a mask.
    On the Upside:

  • Wearing a mask prevents the spread of COVID-19 which should have the effect of cutting short its invasion of America. You think illegal immigration is a problem? Heh. It's got nothing on COVID.

  • Mask wearing is good for the economy. After all, the shortage of PPEs has inspired Americans all across the country to start making masks. If it were mandatory we might actually shift from a service-oriented nation back to the manufacturing giant we once were.

  • Mask wearing gives a whole new meaning to the term “eyes are the mirror of the soul.” Most of my dates are blind dates. I went on one recently. You know how you can always tell how good or bad a date is going by facial expressions? I felt like I was on a roll. I couldn't tell a thing, and if you can't tell how bad it is, it must be good, no?

  • And finally - if it's our God-given right as Americans to pay no heed to the new signs reading, “Masks Required” - what does that say about the old signs? You know. The ones reading “Shoes and Shirts Required”? Hey. You know what a membership cost to a nudist colony is today? I'm just saying.

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