Love, American Style
The Basically Brooklyn Series
Insurance isn't a hard concept to define. A company offers a policy in exchange for a monthly premium. The policy guarantees compensation as defined by the terms of the policy. If you buy an automobile, you must purchase auto insurance in order to register it, drive it and avoid an entire list of tickets cops need to write in order to help raise revenues for the county in which they work.
We shop around for health insurance policies, cutting the costs of unwanted visits to doctors who poke and probe us with fingers and needles and all sorts of scary instruments. We buy dental insurance, travel Insurance, pet insurance. We buy insurance to cover the out of pocket cost the insurance we've already purchased, won't pay. ("Aflac!")
We even have life innsurance and it doesn't have anything to do with life. Life insurance is designed to provide you with the peace of mind you'll need long after you're dead and for all we know, that might be an eternity.
As if we don't struggle enough with the cost of all these insurance policies competing with such petty needs as food, shelter and I-pods, the Insurance industry would like you to know all about the two most important policies you will ever buy. The first, which is now available through an insurance agent near you, is wedding insurance. The second, soon to be available and tops on my list of things to buy, is marriage insurance.
Wedding insurance is for the bride and groom preparing for those promises to love, cherish and honor, through richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part before moving on to the wedding reception where some uncle will pull you off to the side and talk to you all about life insurance; reminding you that if you make it all the way through to the last pledge, one of you can rest in peace for a very long time, while the other can finally go out and get all the things you could never afford because your weekly salary was divvied up by grocers, bankers, oilmen, insurers and taxes long before you were ever potty-trained.
Wedding insurance is, of course, a sound investment. Weddings are expensive. There are wedding halls, alcohol, DJ's and food. Did you know you could buy a Hyundai Excel two-door hatch for the price of a wedding gown and matching bridal dresses, these days? Would you buy a Hyundai Excel, drive it around for a couple of hours and park in a garage for the rest of your life? There are rings and cakes and little bowls of Claritan on every table for those guests allergic to the wide assortment of flowers you'll have to buy. A wedding can run you upwards of $75,000 dollars.
Wedding insurance is a sound idea. How often does the groom run off with an ex-stripper girlfriend? How many times is the bride left standing at the altar? Remember the Craigslist Killer? Just how well do you know the soul mate you think you found? Wedding insurance is a way to recoup your losses. You may be heartbroken, but at least you're not broke.
Marriage insurance is the next step toward a life of bliss. Marriage insurance is the brainchild of Safeguard Guaranty Corporation. A low cost policy runs for around a buck a day. Instead of increasing the premiums over time, SGC increases the benefits over time. The longer you stay married, the more you earn.
For a $100,000 policy, failure to remain married within the first five years will only translate into a $12,500-dollar payout. Divorce lawyers go for around $200 bucks and hour. If you hit the 24-year mark you can get a total of $64 thousand dollars but, if you celebrate your 25th wedding anniversary together, you'll receive $100 thousand dollars.
Think about it. You catch the SOB nailing his secretary, throw him out and keep your mouth shut. Get on with your life. You know how hard it is to tuck away $100 grand? Forget about getting even. Get insurance — and somebody pass this along to Paul McCartney. You know how many Heathers there are out there?