Kevin Sheekey 


Best of Late Night
by Kevin Sheekey
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On Vice President Mike Pence vowing to 'Make America Great Again, Again':

"I didnít think they could come up with something worse than 'Make America Great Again,' but they did. 'MAGA' was an ambiguous call to a bygone era that never really existed. This new slogan sounds like somebody who got hit in the head with a bag of hammers."
Trevor Noah

"If my plumber said he needed to fix my toilet 'again, again,' I would find a new plumber ó and a new toilet.'"
Trevor Noah

"So that was Mike Penceís speech. And I guess we finally found out why Pence always has the permanent squint. Yeah, his own face is going, 'Are we really saying this?'"
Trevor Noah

"Trumpís presidency is like your 48-year-old cousinís D.J. career ó if it hasnít been successful by now, itís not going to be."
Trevor Noah

"A group of researchers in Finland said that they've discovered a cure for hangovers. Everyone was like, 'Yeah, there's already been a hangover cure. It's called more booze!'"
Jimmy Fallon




More on the Republican National Convention that concluded Thursday:

"The main theme of the convention seemed to be telling lies in front of American flags. Because it was four days of a full-throated denial of objective reality."
John Oliver

"Convention speakers also claimed that Trump never called white supremacists 'very fine people,' which he did, that he passed the Veterans' Choice Act, which he didn't, and that he is trying to protect patients with pre-existing conditions, which he very much is not. I'm honestly surprised a speaker didn't, at one point, claim that Trump invented parakeets or that he stopped murder hornets by sucking them straight out of the air."
John Oliver

"Hereís the thing that I donít think Republicans understand: Itís hard to scare people about the damage Joe Biden could do after the damage Donald Trump has already done... I mean, Iím Clorox-wiping my grapes ó how much worse could it get?'"
Trevor Noah




On Vice President Mike Pence vowing to 'make America great again, again.'

"'Make America great again, again.' It doesnít inspire confidence. If your friend said to you, 'Iím getting married again, again,' youíd be like, 'Sounds like that might not last.'"
James Corden

"Itís almost like they never made America great in the first place."
James Corden

On the Republican National Convention:

"I don't know what's going on, but I've got chills, I've got nausea. It's either the onset of Covid or seeing 1,500 people with no social distancing, no masks and no testing packed onto the South Lawn of the White House. I know the Republicans like voter suppression, but I didn't know they liked voter extinction!"
Stephen Colbert

"In addition to being the final night of the RNC, this is the last episode of the fifth season of the 'Late Show with Stephen Colbert.' And the last five months in particular have been an amazing 10 years."
Stephen Colbert

"Amid all the lies, Trump got one thing right. He said, 'Americans are exhausted.' Yes we are! Especially after listening to you for 70 minutes."
Stephen Colbert




Stephen Colbert said on his show Wednesday that he has been watching the Republican National Convention each night but had to stop: "Because right now in America, weíre facing a global pandemic that has killed 180,000 Americans, heavily armed Rambo wannabes are murdering people in our streets, the strongest hurricane in the history of the Gulf Coast is making landfall as I speak. And the R.N.C.'s message is, 'Whoís up for four more years?'"
Stephen Colbert

"Every night has had a theme. First night was land of promise. Then was land of opportunity. And I assume tonight is land of the lost."
Stephen Colbert

ďPeople outside the Beltway should care about every law the president is breaking, and I think they actually do ó itís just that itís hard to keep track at this point.Ē
Stephen Colbert

On President Trump using the White House as a backdrop during the RNC, a campaign event for his reelection:

"President Trump is being criticized, very much, for using the White House as a backdrop for political television. But today he fought back, and he was like, 'Oh, I get it ó no one criticized President Martin Sheen when he did it on ĎThe West Wing.'"
James Corden

"And look, I get why Trump wants to do these events ó itís good TV. I mean, that live surprise pardon, that had some strong Roman emperor energy."
Trevor Noah

On the C.D.C. reportedly bowing to pressure from the White House to slow down Covid testing in the U.S.:

"We've reached the point where Donald Trump is dictating our health regulations. That's why the new suggested serving for chicken is bucket."
Stephen Colbert

ďOnce again, we are watching a basic function of our government that has always been apolitical die in front of our eyes. We are one news cycle away from the C.D.C. warning that mail-in ballots give you chlamydia.Ē
Stephen Colbert




For previous "Best of Late Night" by Keven Sheekey: click previous.

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