Kevin Sheekey 


Best of Late Night
by Kevin Sheekey



"Mike Pence talked about what's being done to control the virus. Then immediately after, Trump gave the rebuttal."
Jimmy Fallon

On Trump defending his slow walk in "Rampgate" at his recent rally:

“He spent so much time on this story that now I’m more suspicious than I was. Before, I thought yeah, maybe Trump has some trouble walking down ramps, but now I’m not even sure he has feet.”
Trevor Noah



"The coronavirus pandemic is nowhere near over. One sure sign? I am still broadcasting from my den with Jackson Browne's haircut."
Stephen Colbert

On Donald Trump's recent rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma:

“The arena Trump spoke in can hold more than 19,000 people, but only 6,200 attended. That's only 1/3 capacity. Now, I don’t want to be a glass-half-empty kind of guy, but half-empty would be a huge improvement.”
Stephen Colbert

"It was reported that dozens of Secret Service officers and agents were told to self-quarantine after Trump’s Tulsa rally. Trump’s a one-man super-spreader. He is the Ozark swimming pool party of human beings."
Seth Myers

“Campaign staff members who attended the Trump rally tested positive for the coronavirus. Wow, imagine how dangerous that would’ve been if people had actually shown up.”
Stephen Colbert

On a recent poll showing Joe Biden leading Donald Trump nationally in the 2020 presidential election:

"One disturbing part of this poll was the fact that 14 percent of voters would 'vote for another candidate,' 'would not vote' or 'did not know.' Did not know? How the hell do you live through three and half years of Donald Trump and have no opinion?"
Stephen Colbert



On conspiracy theorists who think the Covid-19 pandemic is all about government control:

"Just think for a moment — you guys think every government and every health expert around the world is involved in some giant conspiracy to oppress everyone on Earth. But they don’t have the power to block that one video on YouTube that exposes the real truth?"
Trevor Noah

On Donald Trump's plans to visit Mount Rushmore on July 3 for a fireworks show:

"Mt. Rushmore has banned fireworks for the past decade because of concerns about public health, environmental and safety risks. So everything will be fine unless you're a person, place or a thing."
Stephen Colbert

On the first White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing in over two months last week:

"It was an interesting briefing. Pence kicked it off with a moment of silence for all the approval rating points Trump has lost in the past three months."
Jimmy Fallon

"You can tell it's been a long, stressful two months because Dr. Fauci opened the briefing by lighting a Marlboro Red 100."
Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the Best of Satire:

Trump To Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response (The New Yorker - Borowitz Report)



On the politicization of wearing a mask to reduce the spread of Covid-19 and conspiracy theories that masks do more harm than good:

"It appears America isn’t just dealing with a deadly strain of coronavirus, it’s also dealing with a deadly strain of stupidity. If wearing masks killed people, there would be no doctors, no dentists, and no hockey goalies. Every hockey game would end with a score of 1,000 to 980. Why are we even arguing with these idiots?"
Trevor Noah

"Now look, having people believe crazy conspiracy theories and ignore facts — that’s nothing new. What is new is that now one of those people lives in the White House."
Trevor Noah

"So now you’re a 'liberal snowflake' simply if you don’t want to die."
Stephen Colbert

On Secret Service agents needing to quarantine after being exposed to coronavirus at Trump's recent Tulsa, Oklahoma rally:

"You know we're in crazy times when the Secret Service needs protection from the president."
Jimmy Fallon

On polls of Americans showing support for new lockdowns to contain the spread of Covid-19:

"People support another lockdown, especially after they got 35 save-the-dates for all the weddings that got moved."
Jimmy Fallon

"76% of Americans over 55 support returning to lockdown. They said they finally figured out how to use Netflix and they're not stopping now!"
Jimmy Fallon



"Today Trump tweeted, 'With smaller testing, we would show fewer cases.' Twitter didn't fact-check that one, they just put up a 'Yikes' emoji."
Jimmy Fallon

"Things are so bad in the rest of the country that New York, New Jersey and Connecticut will now require certain out-of-state travelers to quarantine upon arrival. So if you’re from out of state and want to visit the Big Apple, fuhgeddaboutit! Seriously, they don’t want you there."
Stephen Colbert

”Not only is Biden ahead in the polls, he also raised more money than Trump last month. Yeah, Trump’s so desperate for money, he’s going to start writing a tell-all book about himself."
Jimmy Fallon

"Leaders of the European Union are reportedly considering a ban on American tourists when borders reopen in July because of how the U.S. is handling the coronavirus. And, also, you know, all the other reasons. Coronavirus might just be a cover in this case."
Seth Meyers



"Things are not looking great for Trump. He's trailing Biden by double digits in polls by CNN and CNBC. He's even down by 12 points in a Fox News poll. And you know it hurts more when you get the news from someone you love."
Stephen Colbert

“One problem with Trump’s visit to Arizona is that the state has tallied almost 55,000 cases of Covid-19 and has doubled the number of cases in the last 15 days. Yikes, the University of Phoenix might have to start offering some of its courses online."
Stephen Colbert

“Trump celebrated the 200th mile of his border wall in Arizona, even though the border is 2,000 miles long. Instead of finishing the wall, Trump’s going to keep people out with a giant banner that says, ‘Home of the coronavirus.’"
Jimmy Fallon

"Now in addition to the empty seats, the big news from Trump's Tulsa rally is that he said he told health officials to slow down testing so that America would not get so many cases of coronavirus. The White House has since said multiple times that The President was joking. Yeah, he's joking about a global pandemic. It's a snippet from his new stand-up special: 'Donald Trump's Death Comedy Jam'."
Stephen Colbert

On Dr. Anthony Fauci's testimony in Washington on Tuesday:

"Dr. Fauci also said there's a surge of coronavirus cases in Florida. The virus spent the winter in New York and the summer in Florida. It's basically the opposite of my grandma."
Jimmy Fallon



On Trump’s recent claim that if we stopped testing for coronavirus, there wouldn’t be any more cases, which prompted Jimmy Fallon to draw some other medical breakthroughs using the same logic:

"If you’re camping and a bear is coming to steal your food just close your eyes — you can’t see the bear anymore. That means your campsite is free of bears!"

"If I never stand on a scale, I haven’t gained any weight. Which means right now I weigh zero pounds. Good job to me!"

"As long as I don't keep track of what I’m eating - I'm a vegan!"

On the U.S. Supreme Court's decision that the Trump Administration could not end DACA (the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals):

"Yeah, at first, Trump was confused. He thought DACA was the AC/DC cover band opening for his rally in Tulsa."
Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the best of satire:

Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker. (The New Yorker - Borowitz Report)



"Former White House National Security Adviser John Bolton has written a scathing tell-all about his time in the Trump administration called The Room Where it Happened, which Trump is desperate to suppress. Naturally, that's pushed the book up to No. 1 on Amazon."
Stephen Colbert

On the allegations in the Bolton book that Trump spent weeks trying to get Kim Jong Un an Elton John CD that Trump had autographed himself:

"Giving someone a CD isn't diplomacy, it's how you tell someone you have a crush on them in eighth grade."
Jimmy Fallon

"OK, first of all, I love that it was a CD in the year 2018. Knowing Trump, his plan was to get Kim Jong Un to pay a penny for that and 11 other CDs, and then have him on the hook for the rest of his life."
Seth Meyers

“This might actually explain why nuclear negotiations between America and North Korea broke down, because can you imagine being Kim Jong Un and then getting a signed CD from Elton John, but it's signed by Donald Trump! That's like getting an autographed Michael Jordan jersey, but it's signed by Donald Trump."
Trevor Noah

"It's also weird that Trump thinks Kim Jong Un listens to CDs. He's the president of North Korea — the man listens to cassettes."
Trevor Noah

On the U.S. Supreme Court's decisions on LGBTQ rights, gun safety and DACA (the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals), which all went against the Trump Administration:

"How many times is the Supreme Court going to shut him down this week? Tomorrow they are going to say, ‘We're also making it illegal to wear suits that look like trash bags'."
Seth Meyers



"According to former National Security Advisor John Bolton, Trump's ignorance is near-bottomless. Apparently, Trump didn't seem to know that Britain was a nuclear power and asked if Finland was part of Russia. Now, you can understand his confusion there, because under President Trump, it feels like we're kind of part of Russia."
Stephen Colbert

"John Bolton knew it was wrong to stand idly by and accept the president repeatedly obstructing justice. He knew that the right thing was to stand idly by and wait on that book deal."
Stephen Colbert

“Vice President Mike Pence wrote an Op-ed in the Wall Street Journal titled, 'There Isn't a Coronavirus 'Second Wave'.' Great news for all the thousands of people who checked into hospitals this week, you can go home! Turns out you were faking it for all the free pudding."
Stephen Colbert

"Twenty states are now seeing a rise in coronavirus cases. Florida, Texas and Arizona all just set records for the most cases they have reported in a single day. Coronavirus is surging, or as Trump put it, 'The Great American Comeback.'"
Stephen Colbert



"I don't know if you've noticed, but we're living through some extremely dark times. If God submitted the year 2020 to 'Black Mirror,' they would've rejected the script. Come on, a plague, racial unrest, a racist demagogue, with a base coat of global warming. Pick a lane!"
Stephen Colbert

"The Supreme Court decided employers can't fire workers based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. They'll have to stick to the usual reason people get fired — not muting themselves on Zoom."
Jimmy Fallon

"The Supreme Court ruled that federal anti-discrimination laws protect gay and transgender employees. This is a momentous change in LGBTQ rights. Because now...they have them!"
Stephen Colbert

On Trump's precarious walk down a ramp after he gave the commencement address at West Point:

“Now we know why he launched his 2016 campaign coming down an escalator. If it'd been a ramp, he'd still be coming down."
Stephen Colbert

“But you can't blame him. Anytime he's around the military, those damn bone spurs act up."
Stephen Colbert

"It's been a tough day for the Trump Administration. We're just one more 'Will & Grace' reboot away from this being the worst day of Mike Pence's life."
Jimmy Fallon

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