Kevin Sheekey 


Best of Late Night
by Kevin Sheekey
To receive his entire Daily Read every day, sign up here!



On Donald Trump floating the idea of delaying the November 2020 election, which he has no power to do:

"President Trump on Twitter this morning suggested postponing November’s presidential election, but just until the Republican Party can find a viable candidate.
Seth Myers

"With the economy in crisis mode and deaths continuing to soar, obviously this is all bad for President Trump’s re-election hopes. And today, Trump came up with a brilliant new strategy for the election: Just don’t have one."
Trevor Noah

"It’s the presidential election! It’s not the release date for 'Bill & Ted 3.'"
Jimmy Fallon

"Americans were like, 'How long a delay are we talking about here? Months, like your response to Covid? Years, like your response to Putin? Or decades, like a hug for Don Jr.? Just give us a hint.'"
Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Trump isn’t actually allowed to delay the election. Although not being allowed to do something has never stopped him before."
Trevor Noah

"When they saw Trump’s tweet, JetBlue was like, 'Trust us — when he says delayed, he means canceled.'"
Jimmy Fallon




"According to a new report, Russian intelligence agencies are using three English language websites to spread false information about coronavirus in the US. The websites are Facebook, Twitter and Whitehouse.gov."
Seth Myers

On Donald Trump's claims that he was never briefed on intelligence of Russian bounties on American troops:

"First of all, I believe Trump when he says his intelligence briefings never reached his desk. His desk is so full of Goya beans, where were they going to put the files?"
Trevor Noah

"But it is bizarre that Trump is the most impulsive president ever — except when it comes to Russia. I mean, people are protesting against the police and he's like, 'We've got to send in the troops. Break it up people, we've got to destroy them!' But when Russia is putting bounties on American troops, he's like, 'They're only lashing out because we hurt them. Like Dr. Jen says: Hurt people hurt people.'"
Trevor Noah

On the chief executives of Apple, Facebook, Google and Amazon testifying before Congress this week:

"It was not an easy day for lawmakers. They were like, 'I'd grill you, but I need Amazon to survive, Google knows my search history, Apple's got my texts and Facebook's got my drunk pics — so we're good.'"
Jimmy Fallon




On the 'Survivor' reality show not returning with a new season:

"That's a bummer. But, honestly, it's fine considering we are all basically living through one giant episode of 'Survivor' now."
Jimmy Fallon

On Donald Trump announcing he would cancel the Republican National Convention in Jacksonville, Florida: "Donald Trump doesn't need a new convention. He can just re-air what happened in 2016. He's still promising the same things: he's gonna build the wall, bring back jobs, and bring the country out of the mess the current president put it in."
Trevor Noah

On the U.S. Presidential election being 99 days away:

"99 days doesn't seem like that much, but then again the last 99 days have felt like 900 years."
Jimmy Fallon

"Trump thinks 99 days is plenty of time to get his campaign in shape. He's like someone looking in the mirror in June and going, 'I've still got time for swimsuit season.'"
Jimmy Fallon



"We are living in a time when going to a museum belongs in a museum."
Conan O'Brien

On the debate over reopening schools in the U.S.:

“If you don't get coronavirus under control, the schools can turn into a virtual Amazon fulfillment center for coronavirus. It starts in a centralized location, and within a couple of days, it's personally delivered to everyone's house. Or maybe just one day with Prime.”
Trevor Noah

On Donald Trump saying federal agents are doing a 'great job' in Portland addressing protests against police brutality:

"It's never good when Trump says he's doing a ‘great job,' given that he thinks his administration is doing a ‘great job' dealing with the coronavirus."
John Oliver

On the reopening of Disney World in Orlando, Florida:

"Disney World is running a special where your ticket automatically gets you a Fast Pass to COVID."
Conan O'Brien



On Donald Trump taking a cognitive ability test that asked him to repeat the words 'Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.':

"He's gone from bragging about his historic Electoral College win to boasting that he can solve the puzzle in a happy meal. In fact, I almost feel like obsessing over a dementia test you took two years ago is the real dementia test."
Trevor Noah

"So you see, acing this test, it doesn't make him a genius; it makes him a guy desperate for accomplishment."
Trevor Noah

"Today is a historic day for D.C. football fans because, after getting rid of the team's previous name, Washington's N.F.L. team will go by the name 'The Washington Football Team' until a new name can be chosen. So the Washington football team is now The Washington Football Team."
Stephen Colbert

“The Washington Football Team? Sounds like they can only afford the store brand version of team names. It's like when my mom couldn't buy us Cheerios so she brought Oat Circles."
Trevor Noah

"I'm sorry, that is the laziest team name I have ever heard. I mean, they pre-named a professional football franchise the same way you save phone numbers of people you just met."
Trevor Noah



"I saw that Cheez-Its is bringing back its box that's half house wine and half Cheez-Its. Boxed wine and Cheez-Its — the official breakfast of quarantine. But these days, Americans are thinking, 'I need something stronger. You got Flamin' Hot Doritos and Absinthe?'"
Jimmy Fallon

"One of the big things we learned about Trump is how he handles a crisis. Whenever Trump is dealing with a problem, he's got a certain set of moves that he always tries. Sort of like a video game character. First he pretends the problem doesn't exist, then he pretends he's already solved the problem, and if that doesn't work, he blames the media and the Democrats for the problems he's probably created."
Trevor Noah

On Donald Trump's first coronavirus briefing in three months, where he admitted the situation was likely to get worse before it gets better:

"Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, Dr. Fauci has said it every day since March!"
Jimmy Fallon

"Trump said he's working on a strategy, and it isn't that hard: He found one on his desk from the CDC marked February 1."
Jimmy Fallon

"He's working on a strategy now? That's like the Ford Theater being like, 'Good news, everyone — we're beefing up security'."
Jimmy Fallon



On Kanye West announcing he is running for President:

"My takeaway from this event is that Kanye West doesn't seem well. I feel like someone who cares about him needs to take his microphone away. Although ironically, the best person for that job is Kanye."
Trevor Noah

"White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows apparently behind the scenes has been particularly forceful in his view that the White House should avoid drawing attention to the virus. Oh yeah, because whenever there is a historic crisis, the less said the better. Like Uncle Sam said in those war-time recruitment posters: 'I want you to fuggedaboutit!'"
Stephen Colbert

"You might be thinking, they've completely shanked this pandemic. If only someone was on TV every day lying about it! Well great news: because Trump is bringing back coronavirus briefings. Although, I was hoping he was just going to disappear with the warmer weather."
Stephen Colbert

On Chris Wallace's wide-ranging interview with Donald Trump this weekend:

"Come on, Chris. Trump didn't come on Fox News to get fact-checked. Talk to your colleagues."
Stephen Colbert

"When asked yesterday about his statements that downplay the severity of the coronavirus, President Trump said, ‘I guess everybody makes mistakes.' Yeah, but there are mistakes, and then there are mistakes. When I over-water one of my plants, the economy stays open and Americans can still travel to Canada."
Seth Meyers

"The reactions to Trump's performance were mixed. Some experts called it a fiasco while others called it a debacle."
Jimmy Fallon



"For once, Russia is the second biggest hacking story of the day, because yesterday, major Twitter accounts were hacked in a Bitcoin scam. Now, if you're not familiar, a Bitcoin scam is anything involving Bitcoin."
Stephen Colbert

"Twitter C.E.O. Jack Dorsey took to, well, Twitter to express his discontent, saying, 'We all feel terrible this happened.' Fun fact: 'We all feel terrible this happened' is Twitter's official motto."
Stephen Colbert

"Meanwhile, you know Trump's furious because they attacked the biggest accounts on Twitter and didn't even include him."
Jimmy Fallon

"Now with all these Covid cases across the U.S., governors and mayors are scrambling to issue new mask orders. That seems a little late. It's like deciding not to send a Mother's Day card then going, 'Ah, what the hell, Happy 4th of July Mom! I wasn't wearing a mask when I signed this, please wash your hands.'"
Stephen Colbert

On Trump replacing his long-time campaign manager, Brad Parscale, and replacing him with a deputy, Bill Stepien:

"Meanwhile, everyone else in the campaign is thinking, 'Yeah, he was the problem.'"
Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's campaign isn't struggling because of his campaign manager — it's struggling because Donald Trump is the candidate."
Trevor Noah

"So my condolences to Brad Parscale, but you should be proud of yourself, because at this point, getting out of the Trump campaign without getting into prison — that's an achievement."
Trevor Noah



On the Republican National Convention planned for next month in Florida, as the state is currently the hotspot of the country's worst Covid-19 outbreak:

"They'll be fine as long as everyone remembers to wear their elephant plague masks."
Stephen Colbert

"Well, at least they don't have a lot of old people down there. Or at least, thanks to their governor, they won't in about three weeks."
Stephen Colbert

"As one G.O.P. representative put it, 'Everybody just assumes no one is going.' Yeah, even the R.S.V.P.s say, 'Check one: Not attending,' 'What? No!,' or 'I'm ready, Jesus'."
Stephen Colbert

"I don't blame any of these people for not going. Not only is Florida the new epicenter, but in addition, Party officials were considering docking cruise ships in the city's port to provide extra lodging. So, you're in Florida, spending all day in an auditorium full of screaming people who won't wear masks, then you go home to sleep on a floating petri dish."
Stephen Colbert

On California closing many businesses again as the state sees a growing Covid-19 outbreak:

"They're shutting down again. Hollywood loves a sequel. This time it's 'Shutdown 2: We Opened Up 2 Fast and People Are Furious'."
Stephen Colbert

"One month ago, the Golden State announced that it was doing a good enough job fighting the coronavirus that restaurants, stores and other businesses could welcome customers back in. The bad news, is one of those customers was coronavirus."
Trevor Noah

On Disney World reopening in Florida this past weekend:

"Disney World has just reopened. It's crazy, right now the most boring part of Disney is the roller coasters, while the scariest part is standing in line."
Jimmy Fallon

"This is nice, though. For $20, they will sell you a picture of the exact moment you get the virus. Isn't that cool?"
Jimmy Fallon



"We're back after a two-week break — and you know what I wish would also come back? Governance."
Stephen Colbert

On Donald Trump's photo opp where he wore a face covering while visiting Walter Reed Hospital:

"Yeah, it was a really smart move — if today were March 13th."
Jimmy Fallon

"Wow, only four months too late. What's he going to do next, drag his Christmas tree out to the curb? Start making sourdough starter and watching 'Tiger King'?"
Seth Myers

"I'm glad that Trump finally put a mask on, but it's got to be confusing for his supporters who have been mocking face masks this whole time. I mean, to them this must be like seeing Trump at a Black Lives Matter march with AOC."
Trevor Noah

"Washington's N.F.L. team announced today that they will officially retire the team's name and logo. After completing a review of the name, said the owners, 'We realize now that the word "Washington" is offensive to most Americans.'"
Seth Myers

"Today, the team released a statement saying that they're working to 'develop a new name and design approach that will enhance the standing of our proud, tradition-rich franchise.' But a commitment to progress would've hit a little harder had the statement not used the team's name seven times and included their logo. Wow, they're almost as good at P.R. as they are at football."
Stephen Colbert

On Walt Disney World reopening in Florida despite surging new cases and a one-day record of new cases over the weekend:

"To Disney's credit, only the Magic Kingdom and Disney's Animal Kingdom are open. EPCOT wanted to open, but Americans aren't even allowed to visit pretend Europe."
Stephen Colbert



"Mike Pence talked about what's being done to control the virus. Then immediately after, Trump gave the rebuttal."
Jimmy Fallon

On Trump defending his slow walk in "Rampgate" at his recent rally:

"He spent so much time on this story that now I'm more suspicious than I was. Before, I thought yeah, maybe Trump has some trouble walking down ramps, but now I'm not even sure he has feet."
Trevor Noah



"The coronavirus pandemic is nowhere near over. One sure sign? I am still broadcasting from my den with Jackson Browne's haircut."
Stephen Colbert

On Donald Trump's recent rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma:

“The arena Trump spoke in can hold more than 19,000 people, but only 6,200 attended. That's only 1/3 capacity. Now, I don't want to be a glass-half-empty kind of guy, but half-empty would be a huge improvement.”
Stephen Colbert

"It was reported that dozens of Secret Service officers and agents were told to self-quarantine after Trump's Tulsa rally. Trump's a one-man super-spreader. He is the Ozark swimming pool party of human beings."
Seth Myers

“Campaign staff members who attended the Trump rally tested positive for the coronavirus. Wow, imagine how dangerous that would've been if people had actually shown up.”
Stephen Colbert

On a recent poll showing Joe Biden leading Donald Trump nationally in the 2020 presidential election:

"One disturbing part of this poll was the fact that 14 percent of voters would 'vote for another candidate,' 'would not vote' or 'did not know.' Did not know? How the hell do you live through three and half years of Donald Trump and have no opinion?"
Stephen Colbert



On conspiracy theorists who think the Covid-19 pandemic is all about government control:

"Just think for a moment — you guys think every government and every health expert around the world is involved in some giant conspiracy to oppress everyone on Earth. But they don't have the power to block that one video on YouTube that exposes the real truth?"
Trevor Noah

On Donald Trump's plans to visit Mount Rushmore on July 3 for a fireworks show:

"Mt. Rushmore has banned fireworks for the past decade because of concerns about public health, environmental and safety risks. So everything will be fine unless you're a person, place or a thing."
Stephen Colbert

On the first White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing in over two months last week:

"It was an interesting briefing. Pence kicked it off with a moment of silence for all the approval rating points Trump has lost in the past three months."
Jimmy Fallon

"You can tell it's been a long, stressful two months because Dr. Fauci opened the briefing by lighting a Marlboro Red 100."
Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the Best of Satire:

Trump To Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response (The New Yorker - Borowitz Report)



On the politicization of wearing a mask to reduce the spread of Covid-19 and conspiracy theories that masks do more harm than good:

"It appears America isn't just dealing with a deadly strain of coronavirus, it's also dealing with a deadly strain of stupidity. If wearing masks killed people, there would be no doctors, no dentists, and no hockey goalies. Every hockey game would end with a score of 1,000 to 980. Why are we even arguing with these idiots?"
Trevor Noah

"Now look, having people believe crazy conspiracy theories and ignore facts — that's nothing new. What is new is that now one of those people lives in the White House."
Trevor Noah

"So now you're a 'liberal snowflake' simply if you don't want to die."
Stephen Colbert

On Secret Service agents needing to quarantine after being exposed to coronavirus at Trump's recent Tulsa, Oklahoma rally:

"You know we're in crazy times when the Secret Service needs protection from the president."
Jimmy Fallon

On polls of Americans showing support for new lockdowns to contain the spread of Covid-19:

"People support another lockdown, especially after they got 35 save-the-dates for all the weddings that got moved."
Jimmy Fallon

"76% of Americans over 55 support returning to lockdown. They said they finally figured out how to use Netflix and they're not stopping now!"
Jimmy Fallon



"Today Trump tweeted, 'With smaller testing, we would show fewer cases.' Twitter didn't fact-check that one, they just put up a 'Yikes' emoji."
Jimmy Fallon

"Things are so bad in the rest of the country that New York, New Jersey and Connecticut will now require certain out-of-state travelers to quarantine upon arrival. So if you're from out of state and want to visit the Big Apple, fuhgeddaboutit! Seriously, they don't want you there."
Stephen Colbert

”Not only is Biden ahead in the polls, he also raised more money than Trump last month. Yeah, Trump's so desperate for money, he's going to start writing a tell-all book about himself."
Jimmy Fallon

"Leaders of the European Union are reportedly considering a ban on American tourists when borders reopen in July because of how the U.S. is handling the coronavirus. And, also, you know, all the other reasons. Coronavirus might just be a cover in this case."
Seth Meyers



"Things are not looking great for Trump. He's trailing Biden by double digits in polls by CNN and CNBC. He's even down by 12 points in a Fox News poll. And you know it hurts more when you get the news from someone you love."
Stephen Colbert

“One problem with Trump's visit to Arizona is that the state has tallied almost 55,000 cases of Covid-19 and has doubled the number of cases in the last 15 days. Yikes, the University of Phoenix might have to start offering some of its courses online."
Stephen Colbert

“Trump celebrated the 200th mile of his border wall in Arizona, even though the border is 2,000 miles long. Instead of finishing the wall, Trump's going to keep people out with a giant banner that says, ‘Home of the coronavirus.'"
Jimmy Fallon

"Now in addition to the empty seats, the big news from Trump's Tulsa rally is that he said he told health officials to slow down testing so that America would not get so many cases of coronavirus. The White House has since said multiple times that The President was joking. Yeah, he's joking about a global pandemic. It's a snippet from his new stand-up special: 'Donald Trump's Death Comedy Jam'."
Stephen Colbert

On Dr. Anthony Fauci's testimony in Washington on Tuesday:

"Dr. Fauci also said there's a surge of coronavirus cases in Florida. The virus spent the winter in New York and the summer in Florida. It's basically the opposite of my grandma."
Jimmy Fallon



On Trump's recent claim that if we stopped testing for coronavirus, there wouldn't be any more cases, which prompted Jimmy Fallon to draw some other medical breakthroughs using the same logic:

"If you're camping and a bear is coming to steal your food just close your eyes — you can't see the bear anymore. That means your campsite is free of bears!"

"If I never stand on a scale, I haven't gained any weight. Which means right now I weigh zero pounds. Good job to me!"

"As long as I don't keep track of what I'm eating - I'm a vegan!"

On the U.S. Supreme Court's decision that the Trump Administration could not end DACA (the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals):

"Yeah, at first, Trump was confused. He thought DACA was the AC/DC cover band opening for his rally in Tulsa."
Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the best of satire:

Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker. (The New Yorker - Borowitz Report)



"Former White House National Security Adviser John Bolton has written a scathing tell-all about his time in the Trump administration called The Room Where it Happened, which Trump is desperate to suppress. Naturally, that's pushed the book up to No. 1 on Amazon."
Stephen Colbert

On the allegations in the Bolton book that Trump spent weeks trying to get Kim Jong Un an Elton John CD that Trump had autographed himself:

"Giving someone a CD isn't diplomacy, it's how you tell someone you have a crush on them in eighth grade."
Jimmy Fallon

"OK, first of all, I love that it was a CD in the year 2018. Knowing Trump, his plan was to get Kim Jong Un to pay a penny for that and 11 other CDs, and then have him on the hook for the rest of his life."
Seth Meyers

“This might actually explain why nuclear negotiations between America and North Korea broke down, because can you imagine being Kim Jong Un and then getting a signed CD from Elton John, but it's signed by Donald Trump! That's like getting an autographed Michael Jordan jersey, but it's signed by Donald Trump."
Trevor Noah

"It's also weird that Trump thinks Kim Jong Un listens to CDs. He's the president of North Korea — the man listens to cassettes."
Trevor Noah

On the U.S. Supreme Court's decisions on LGBTQ rights, gun safety and DACA (the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals), which all went against the Trump Administration:

"How many times is the Supreme Court going to shut him down this week? Tomorrow they are going to say, ‘We're also making it illegal to wear suits that look like trash bags'."
Seth Meyers



"According to former National Security Advisor John Bolton, Trump's ignorance is near-bottomless. Apparently, Trump didn't seem to know that Britain was a nuclear power and asked if Finland was part of Russia. Now, you can understand his confusion there, because under President Trump, it feels like we're kind of part of Russia."
Stephen Colbert

"John Bolton knew it was wrong to stand idly by and accept the president repeatedly obstructing justice. He knew that the right thing was to stand idly by and wait on that book deal."
Stephen Colbert

“Vice President Mike Pence wrote an Op-ed in the Wall Street Journal titled, 'There Isn't a Coronavirus 'Second Wave'.' Great news for all the thousands of people who checked into hospitals this week, you can go home! Turns out you were faking it for all the free pudding."
Stephen Colbert

"Twenty states are now seeing a rise in coronavirus cases. Florida, Texas and Arizona all just set records for the most cases they have reported in a single day. Coronavirus is surging, or as Trump put it, 'The Great American Comeback.'"
Stephen Colbert



"I don't know if you've noticed, but we're living through some extremely dark times. If God submitted the year 2020 to 'Black Mirror,' they would've rejected the script. Come on, a plague, racial unrest, a racist demagogue, with a base coat of global warming. Pick a lane!"
Stephen Colbert

"The Supreme Court decided employers can't fire workers based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. They'll have to stick to the usual reason people get fired — not muting themselves on Zoom."
Jimmy Fallon

"The Supreme Court ruled that federal anti-discrimination laws protect gay and transgender employees. This is a momentous change in LGBTQ rights. Because now...they have them!"
Stephen Colbert

On Trump's precarious walk down a ramp after he gave the commencement address at West Point:

“Now we know why he launched his 2016 campaign coming down an escalator. If it'd been a ramp, he'd still be coming down."
Stephen Colbert

“But you can't blame him. Anytime he's around the military, those damn bone spurs act up."
Stephen Colbert

"It's been a tough day for the Trump Administration. We're just one more 'Will & Grace' reboot away from this being the worst day of Mike Pence's life."
Jimmy Fallon

To receive the entire Daily Read every day, sign up here!

* * *