Jon Simonds 

Dear Mr. President,

I found a stamp and I wanted to write and thank you for your kind note accompanying my $1,200.00 stimulus check on April 1st of this year, helping me with my expenses through July 31st, when I knew you would come through with another.

I want you to know, I have been frugal. I've taken my nine dollars and 83 cents a day to McDonald's for brunch, enjoying an Egg McMuffin with my cup of coffee, which leaves me enough left over for a bag of Ramen Noodles, a box of crackers and a 16 oz can of Pepsi at the Walmart across the street from the McDonald's. If my doctor could see me today, he would thank you too. I've dropped the 50 pounds he suggested I lose, but I can't seem to get an appointment these days and on nine dollars and 83 cents a day, and I'm not sure I could afford the visit anyway. I lost my insurance when I stopped working back in March because my pre-existing condition stemming from a bout of pneumonia back in the early 90s left me with scar tissue on a lung and the lung doctor he referred me to ordered me to stay at home, due to my age and such.

I'm sure my lung doctor would also thank you. I can't function without that morning cup of coffee and on $9.83 a day I could no longer afford a pack of cigarettes so, I finally quit costing the state a small fortune in revenues. You have truly changed my life.

I also want to thank you for your handling of the pandemic. I wanted to buy the bleach, just in case I caught this thing, but I didn't really want to skip brunch and couldn't fit it into my $9.83 a day budget. Your aiding and abetting this invisible enemy have kept our casualties down to around 1,000 American lives lost each day. I suppose we're at war and this loss of life is what one would call collateral damage, an unintended consequence of our God-given right to leave our masks at home. I don't have a mask, but I have a sock. I just stretched it out and put two eyeholes in it.

I also want to thank you for allowing the ban on evictions to expire. I realize I'll join the approximately 20 percent of renters thrown out on the street and adding to the homeless problem, which really isn't a problem at all. I mean Americans are famous for solving problems and since no one has offered a solution, it must not really be a problem. Still, I kind of wish I was down South where they criminalize homelessness and arrest the homeless for vagrancy, filling all those private prisons built by wealthy people like yourself while billing the American taxpayer for housing costs, food costs and the cost of staffing such a facility. It's a smart business model. You go public and wealthy folk like yourself buy stocks in the prison company and earn dividends. Increased prison population is increased returns for the investor. I thought of buying a few shares myself, but on $9.83 a day, it's not an easy thing to do. Why CoreCivic was up 11 cents today. For the price of a share my $9.83 would be $9.94.

You really are a quiet, stable genius. I can't tell you how thankful I am you were able to enlist foreign governments to provide us with so much disinformation on social media in the last election that it nearly delivered a fatal blow to them deep state people. You've totally destroyed the credibility of the media, the Justice Department and Joint Chiefs of Staff with your eternal wisdom. You're repairing the flaws of the Constitution by ignoring America's right to peacefully protest with them there Secret Police snatching them Antifa off the street with Stalinesque swiftness. I ain't seen so many Antifa members since the Fascist regimes of Japan and Germany declared war on these United States back in the glory days of the big one. I imagine if the Teflon Don were alive today, he would be green with envy. And they question your ingenuity.

Person. Man. Woman. Camera. TV.
You've repeated this phrase so many times over the last three days I'm having nightmares of a person with a camera and a TV monitor filming you and that porn star you paid to keep her mouth shut after you paid her to keep
Well, we'll keep this PG for the kiddies.

You have flushed political correctness down the toilet, making it okay to hate again, defending the Confederacy and tearing up such stupid documents as the Fair Housing Act, protecting the suburbs, and teaching our allies overseas how to pay for our friendship, 'cos we don't need 'em anyway. You got enough friends right here at home. As a matter of fact, I read in the Huffington Post the American people paid you $500 million tax dollars for Secret Service room rentals at Mar-a-Largo in 2018 alone. I thought about going into real estate, but by the time I had enough to attend Trump University it was so caught up in lawsuits for fraud and scams those deep state lawyers forced you to close the doors.

I know. I'm rambling. I just wanted to thank you for showing the world how incredibly inept our Congress and Senate are for their sheer inability to stop the most incompetent President the world has ever seen from destroying a nation once considered a brilliant beacon of light for freedom and justice for all.

Look at that. It's 1:30. I'll address the envelope, put on the stamp I found, and mail it on my way to McDonald's. The funding of Post Office hasn't run out yet. I think there's still time.

Your supporter

Jon's previous story: Are You an American?

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