I'm Going to Run
After much thought and careful consideration, I have decided to pre-empt this month's Basically Brooklyn column utilizing the occasion to formally announce my decision to seek the Office of the President in this up and coming 2012 election. In other words, folks, I am going to run.
I have based this decision on the fact that there is no candidate better qualified for the job than I am. I have never run for a public office. I have never been a politician or as all politicians like to point out, a humble public servant. This may mislead you to believe I'm not your guy, but if you'll please lend me your ear (or was it ears), I'm certain you'll agree with the simple logic of it all.
Take a good look at the State of our Nation. We, the people, are still struggling to get by in an economy offset by high unemployment and the staggering cost of three wars. We live in Counties drowning from a lack of revenue driving a newfound cost cutting mentality. Who do you think got us into this mess to begin with? Politicians. That's right. Politicians whose political war chests are stacked with donations from multi-million dollar corporations putting them into office so they can bail them out every time they need a few extra bucks. Politicians have been driving this nation of ours into the ground for so long now, you'd think we'd get it. Do you really want to vote in another one? "Politician" folks. You won't find that on my resume. How's that for some real change?
Politicians have become so good at screwing things up I expect the next edition of Webster's Dictionary to define the meaning of the word benefit as an entitlement. Millions upon millions of Americans worked faithfully, obeyed laws, paid parking tickets — all content with the knowledge they could someday retire and enjoy those golden years with the benefit of a Social Security check.
When I graduated High School I had two choices. I could forage out into the private sector for better pay, or I could be a Civil Servant and teach. "Be a teacher," my father said. "You'll have the benefit of a pension when you retire." Politicians want to cut Medicaid and Medicare. Have you taken a good close look at the Medical Benefits politicians keep voting in for themselves? How come it's a benefit when you're a politician but an entitlement when you're everybody else? I promise you within the first twenty-four hours of being sworn in, I will make it a Federal Crime to mess with the English language, punishable with up to twenty years of tent living in the Pashtun province of Pakistan.
Finally, while in office, I will further put an end to the time consuming discussion over the Second Amendment. We've wasted far too much valuable time and money on this stupid argument. I don't understand the problem here, folks. I've been exercising my right to bare arms ever since I slid out of the womb. Nobody will ever take that right away from anybody. They are attached to hands that need to write checks to the IRS and veto such stupid bills as cash for clunkers. Are there any less gas guzzling SUV's on the roads today than before this stupid program came along? Of course not! Now they're just newer which brings me back to my first point. Put a politician in office and you just get more of the same problems. Folks. I'm not a politician. Who's better qualified?
In closing, I hope you will join me in the formation of a new party, a fourth party; a really wild party, (forgive me, Alice). We can call it the People's Party and what a party it will be! Our theme song will be Lennon's Power to the People. We'll start the biggest grass roots movement (yeah, that too), the world has ever seen. Just "Like" the article, share it with all your friends and tell them to share it too.
Campaign for America! Start your petition and keep America Politician-Free, now!