..Jon Simonds..

Basically Brooklyn:
Save My Country

In the interest of stimulating the sinking economy, Kelly and I cashed our unemployment checks and went out drinking last night.

We went out to get smashed and forget about the fact that neither one of us has worked in five months, one of us handed car keys over to the repo-man and Rice Krispies can be served six different ways when one is especially hungry. Oops! There is a major recall of peanut butter, resulting from salmonella poisoning. So it's five different ways. The recall has forced us to forego our peanut butter-rice krispie-oatmeal mix with chocolate milk, sugar and oleo. It holds together very well when you bake it in the oven at 450 degrees for no more, or less, than twenty minutes.

Gertrude, the barmaid was happy to see us. She invited us to sit at the bar in spite of the fact that we had our choice of 23 of the 25 tables. Gertrude is an immigrant. She came to America three years ago from a bar in Arsenyev, Russia. "I come for piece of American pie, but not even crumbs left, things are so bad. But okay. Not so cold, here in Florida. Like weather."

This, of course, led to a discussion on how to stimulate the economy and solve everyone's problems. Several drinks and three hours later, we had hashed out a solution that caught the attention of the five other patrons, seated at two tables and a splendid time was guaranteed for all. Before I share this secret solvency formula with our nation's leaders, however, I must make a confession. I took algebra four times before I finally passed with a B. I saw my grades improve every year as I mastered two chapters a semester, every semester, until I finally passed the course. You know how they say confession is good for the soul? I say, bunk! So, with that in mind, here is the formula for curing a terminally ill country.

There are two major problems facing America today, if not three. The first involves America's favorite pastime, which just happens to be spending money. Americans are losing jobs at a record setting pace. With out a job, one has no income and without income, one loses the means to spend foolishly, recklessly and without any wisdom. This is causing havoc in China, as one factory after another is forced to close. We have to get Americans back to spending and we can only achieve this by creating jobs.

The second major problem facing America today involves the banks. The banks once had such an abundance of money, they were giving it away. Now, they are in so much trouble they are begging for money and trust me, they aren't giving any of it away. Just ask small businesses, dependent on banks for loans to meet payroll, purchase goods and pay things like rent and electric, water and insurance and week-long stays at all inclusive resorts. Part of the reason they are faced with this dilemma has to do with the fact they gave so much of it away at such a rate of interest, nobody could afford to pay them back, but none of that matters anymore as Kelly, Gertrude and I have come up with a solution. We call it, "The Federal Community Bank."

Okay, Schnitt. I know, We don't need more government, but here's the solution, anyway. Every community in America gets a branch of The Federal Community Bank One vacated store is now occupied and one landlord sleeps a little better at night. Each FCB branch hires twenty employees from the community to buy desks and computers so they are ready for the brunt of this solution. The Government thus sends out a letter to each and every social security card-carrying American over the age of 18, announcing an appointment with an FCB representative to claim a $100,000 dollar tax free rebate check.

Said individual makes his appointment, bringing two forms of ID and sits at the FCB representatives desk, whilst the FCB representative goes online and runs an NCIC check on the consumer, as well as a credit report. If the consumer is behind on any bills to the banking industry, the total amount due is deducted from the $100,000 and the amount due balance sheet is placed in a vanilla envelope for another FCB rep to pay the owed institution. The consumer then gets a check for the balance, unless, of course, they turn up with outstanding warrants through NCIC, in which case, they merely get arrested and their $100,000 dollar stimulus check is forked over to some court appointed attorney, who used to work for a major corporate law firm, but was laid off along with the rest of us. Debt is paid, consumers have money, and lawyers are getting back to work.

You think I should go back to school and retake algebra? The government has given over a gazillion dollars to save the economy and all that's happening is, more and more people are getting laid off. Ordinary folks are what make, or break, economies.

It's time to offer a stimulus for the people of this nation. After all, nothing is going to be fixed until we, the people, have jobs so we can make money and go back to spending it recklessly, foolishly, and without any thought. Put America back to work! Open up the Federal Community Banks and make China happy again. Oh and somebody, somewhere, please come up with a cure for a hangover.

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