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 Best of Late Night by Kevin Sheekey To receive his entire Daily Read every day, sign up here! On President Biden's first meeting with a foreign leader in Washington, DC with the Prime Minister of Japan visiting last week:
"A twelve-hour flight to discuss problems facing Japan. Afterwards, the Prime Minister was quoted as saying, 'This could have been a Zoom.'"
"I read that Subway has been struggling and could be up for sale. For some reason, peeling off sweaty cold cuts like they're Post-it notes and slapping them on sugar bread isn't resonating with customers anymore." On Mercedes unveiling a new sedan that has 'nap mode' where the seats automatically recline, interior lights dim and a starry night display appears on the dashboard:
"Not to be outdone, the new Hyundais have a little holder for a pen."
"That's the feature I've been missing, it's like saying, 'Alright honey, I'm going to go out for a 70 mile-per-hour nap."
On the U.S. recommending a "pause" on using the Johnson & Johnson vaccine:
"That's right, they're recommending a pause. Then anyone who's ever been dumped was like: 'Oh boy. We know what "pause" means.'"
"Today was National Grilled Cheese day and to celebrate, Kraft gave away incense that smells like grilled cheese. So if I understand this correctly, its the same effect as cooking a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches without the part where you actually get to eat a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches."
"A documentary streaming service announced over the weekend that it is looking for three people to binge watch 24 hours of true-crime documentaries. Though I'll be more impressed if you can find three people who aren't."
"The University of Kentucky sent out a bunch of acceptance emails to incoming freshman the other day. The only problem, the emails were sent out by mistake to 500,000 students. They blamed the whole thing on a technical issue. So if you are going to the University of Kentucky, you probably want to avoid the computer science program."
"New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Yang marked National Pet Day yesterday by tweeting that his family had to give away their dog after one of his sons became allergic. Well I can't wait to see what he posts for Mother's Day."
On San Diego potentially allow teachers to bring their own children into class:
"It's all part of the ‘bring your child to work year.' This is the worst possible news for teachers' children. ‘Okay, you're going to go back to school! Nope, not the one with your friends. A different one.'” On a national ketchup shortage due to a shift over the pandemic to takeout and a crush of demand on ketchup packets:
"I feel like we could have planned for this, but I guess Heinz sight is 2020.” On Godzilla vs. Kong breaking box office records in the pandemic:
"It's about an ape and a lizard fighting, and you know someone is still going to leave the movie going, 'Eh, I thought there were some plot holes.'" On news that Mike Pence signed a book deal for two books on his time as Vice President:
"How does Mike Pence have enough material to write two books? I feel like I can summarize his entire life in two sentences. One, he was vice president. Two, a fly landed on his head."
"Pence's publisher calls this 'the definitive book on one of the most consequential presidencies in American history.' Oh, it was consequential, all right."
"I'm sure there will be a lot of talk about religion, his hopes and dreams, and then maybe a chapter about how his boss tried to murder him."
"Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album 'Fearless' which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that's impressive because if I released an album of things I wrote when I was 18 I would be fired immediately."
"The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $2 million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bed and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just a Days Inn."
"The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that is linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders."
"Starbucks has launched a new eco-friendly program called 'Borrow a Cup' in which customers return their cup after they finish their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin Donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that."
"Singer will.i.am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, Bluetooth and noise cancelling ear buds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine man!"
"Vladimir Putin has just signed a law that could allow him to remain President until 2036. Which means Putin will still be in office by the time we've elected President Chalemet."
"Why even pass the law? It's like passing a law that I might sing songs on this show. I don't care if you don't like it, I'm doing it." On President Biden's push to make all Americans eligible to be vaccinated by April 19, 2 weeks earlier than his previous goal:
"Way to go, Joe! Getting it done early. Although, supporters of the previous president are quick to point out that he was able to finish his entire presidency a whole four years before his original goal."
"Or as Biden calls it: Operation Early-Bird Special."
"You get a shot! And you get a shot! And you get a shot! Thanks, President Joe-prah!" On the Texas Rangers major league baseball team hosting opening day at their stadium in Arlington, Texas at full capacity with nearly 40,000 fans:
"Despite warnings from health experts, the Texas Rangers had a full crowd of more than 38,000 people for their home opener. When they walked in all of the fans got a Dr. Fauci bobblehead that only shook its head 'no.'"
On a national ketchup shortage due to a shift over the pandemic to takeout and a crush of demand on ketchup packets:
"Imagine someone from 2019 trying to understand the sentence, 'Ketchup is the new toilet paper.'"
For previous "Best of Late Night" by Keven Sheekey: click previous. To receive his entire Daily Read every day, sign up here! |
